Clare Henney: One Year

8:00 PM | | Posted by Clare Henney

It’s finally here.  It’s exactly one year since my father passed away.  I’ve often wondered why I don’t cry as much as the rest of my family does because he’s gone — I always thought it was because I had that emotional side of me turned off since he died.  Today however, I finally gave in.

My cousin celebrated mass at our home and he asked me to read the Bible passage for the mass. I didn’t expect to but I cried when I read the part where there will be no more death and that God will wipe away the tears from our eyes…it took a lot from me to compose myself and finish reading in front of the 20 or more people in attendance.  It was both sad and comforting at the same time to read that Bible passage.  God sure has a way of pulling your heartstrings when you least expect it.

It was good to see family and friends after such a long time, I just wish that it were under different circumstances.  It would have been different if the family was complete.  With my father gone it never will.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if there would come a time that I would forget the sound of my father’s voice.  I worry sometimes that I would forget the sound of his singing voice.  That sounds weird considering that my father loved to sing.  I guess we took it for granted that he’d always be around and never got him to record anything. Hopefully a recording or two will turn up from one of his friends.  That would be such a good treat for the family.

My dad was like Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up.  Even at his age he was always the playful one who was more mischievous than all of his kids combined.  I’ll always miss him. I wonder what it would have been like to watch him grow old, to see the look on his face when he (finally) walks me down the aisle and to see him be a grandfather to my (future) kids.  Sadly, that’s all I can do now — wonder.  I’ll never know because it will never happen.

I was watching an episode of Bones last night and the conversation of the lead characters about the death of the character Vincent reminded me of my father:

Well, if there was a God, he would have let Vincent stay here with us.

That’s not how it works.

I can never bring my father back and I can forever wish that things should have been different but I know that’s not how it works. All I can do now is cherish whatever memories I have of my father and hope that they’re enough.

To those of you who still have fathers, cherish them and love them as much as you can. As the saying goes, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.